Self Preservation

So the events of the past few weeks culminating last night made it quite clear to me that I cannot have feelings towards a certain individual in my life. He has been in my atmosphere for a while and I have done well to keep up a "whatever" kind of attitude. But now something is different...I'm starting to care. When emotions evolve and become a deterrent from my focus and ability to be happy I think it is time to take a step back. I do not want to start that endless cycle of feelings that starts with happiness then turns to hurt and then back again. That cycle is a destructive one that I know well. Thus far in my life, I have realized that feelings are rarely ever mutual. So now I am going to attempt to begin my self preservation by avoiding contact with this particular person. I'm not sure how well this will work but I honestly think that cutting myself off emotionally may be difficult now, but may help me be better off later. Here's to wishful thinking...

So now the song that I have on repeat (yes this is my catharsis) is Paramore's "When it Rains"

And when it rains,

On this side of town it touches, everything.

Just say it again and mean it.

We don't miss a thing.

You made yourself a bed

At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)

And convinced yourself that

It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?

Oh I, I never saw it coming.

Oh, oh, I need the ending.

So why can't you stay

Just long enough to explain?

And when it rains,

Will you always find an escape?

Just running away,

From all of the ones who love you,

From everything.

You made yourself a bed

At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)

And you'll sleep 'til May

And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?

Oh I, I never saw it coming.

And oh, oh, I need the ending.

So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time.

Take my time.

Take these chances to turn it around. (take your time)

Take these chances, we'll make it somehow

And take these chances to turn it around. (take my...)

Just turn it around.

Oh, how could you do it?

Oh I, I never saw it coming.

Oh, oh, how could you do it?

Oh I, I never saw it coming.

Oh, oh, how could you do it?

Oh I, I never saw it coming.

Oh, oh I need an ending.

So why can't you stay

Just long enough to explain?

You can take your time, take my time.

Lonely Anxiety

I'm feeling really anxious right now. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. All I want to do is talk to someone who cares about me. I want to share my thoughts without interruption or digressions about how they feel the same way. I just want someone to sit, listen to me, hold my hand, and hug me when I'm done. Where is this person? How can I feel better when I feel so alone? 

The only thing I know to do when I feel this way is to listen to my music. OneRepublic. All of their songs just let me sit back and forget what is happening in my life. I try to get lost in the lyrics so I'm not lost in my own twisted reality. 

The feelings are getting worse now and I feel like I want to cry. I don't let myself cry though because all I want to do is be strong. I can't let these people get to me like this. I'm better than this. It's not my fault if they don't understand me...If no one understands me. I'm an open person but no one takes the time to honestly and truly get to know me. So what do I do now?

I'll put this on Repeat: Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it